I feel like I’m on autopilot

Please remove if this sort of thing isn’t allowed here, but don’t ban me, please; I just joined!

I’m not a religious person, despite coming from the southern U.S. where you are an outcast if Jesus isn’t your savior. I never fit in in that regard, tho I continue to fake it to this day, at times, depending on the audience as I simply try to be as non-abrasive as possible.

That being said, to speak to the title of this post, I find myself diving deeper and deeper into talks about aliens, UFOs/uaps, other dimensions, etc. It’s to the point that in my real life, I don’t feel I’m giving it my all. I feel like with a lot of things, my marriage, my children, my job, I’m just on autopilot, getting things done until I can jump back on my phone to try and learn and figure out wtf is going on here on this blue speck of dust.

I keep waiting to get some sort of fatigue about it all, and at times I’ll say idc, but I care the most! I used to fear death, because tho I was indoctrinated to Christianity at a young age, I quickly saw so much hypocrisy at a relatively young age that I then for a brief period of time became one of those hostile staunch atheists as sort of a rebuttal to organized religion, like a disobedient child. I later had children, and their existence basically gave me this realization that there can’t simply be just nothing after we die, though at times, my college education still makes me think about evolutionary biology, and stuff like that, so I doubt myself a lot, and sometimes try and chalk it all up to my brain simply being this organ that drives me to procreate and carry on the species.

I hope my rambling makes sense to someone reading this, but back to my original point. I don’t even know if I’m qualified to be in this sub, and basically, I’m to a point where I’m trying to soak up as much “knowledge” as I can, while simultaneously not believing anything I read 100% and at the same time, I can no longer discount hardly anything, as I’m basically agnostic to everything. Like nothing would surprise me if true or false at this point. Regarding whether or not I’m an experiencer, i can say that I’ve never experienced anything extremely visceral as many here recount. I only have a feeling, and my wife is probably more qualified to be here than I am. I wager she’s clairvoyant, and we are both only recently learning that we are likely on the autistic spectrum, and so are our fathers. I just can’t help feeling like perhaps I am a good candidate to be visited. I want it so badly; I want to know some truth, any truth because at this point I don’t know shit about fuck.

I don’t trust the American government or any government for that matter, and haven’t for some time. The hard part about it all is that I don’t even trust my own brain at times. It’s hard to trust anything on the internet, and I’m not sure how to feel. I’m at a point where it’s starting to weigh on me, and my life is this routine I gotta get through on a day to day basis until I can try to soak up more information so that I can feel more confident about what I believe. I’ve gone through such transformation of late to the point that Egg Theory seems to make the most sense to me. For that belief, I’d be ostracized from most people I know, if they had an inkling that I could possibly believe in such a thing.

I am sorry for not making this more readable, and for this being a sort of a ramble, but if I don’t type this fast, I’ll lose the courage to hit the “Post” button.